Couples: Don’t Wait Too Long to Get Help
Relationships give us meaning in life. We live in relationship to our families and families of origin, friends, societal and business groups, and most of all, our partners or significant others. When a relationship is bad, it affects our emotions, productivity, and self esteem. This is especially true when our primary partner relationship suffers. When that occurs, we are often deeply humbled and brought to our knees. So, if you are having problems in your relationship, I urge you to seek help earlier rather than later.
Often couples come to me after so much damage has been done that minds are made up; defenses are set against opening up and becoming vulnerable again; and the hurt has been too much. Couples therapy requires that both parties choose to believe what the other is saying; it requires some degree of risk-taking; and the inner strength and courage to try again. We so often think we know what the other person is thinking and meaning. We so often are wrong.
When we have no tools for resolving conflict, and we try to deal with difficult issues, we often end up causing more damage. As a result, we quit trying, and we become estranged. Key issues, then, do not get discussed. Ironically, where there is conflict, there is also potential for fascinating and deep conversation, if we only knew how to get there.
When we have tried everything we know to do, we give up. But we are limited by what we learned in our families of origin, and what we have learned since. Without the ability to resolve conflict, one cannot achieve true intimacy. It’s easy to have a good relationship when everything is happy and wonderful. It’s not so easy when one gets hurt and tries to deal with it; or when life brings so much stress that we have few resources left. There are tools for learning to communicate more effectively, and for resolving conflict. Simply having a safe place to talk about certain issues is a good start.
In my practice as a clinical psychologist and also an organizational development consultant, I have worked with many people in relationship to others. I have never seen people be as mean to each other as in a marriage situation. Something happens when people get married that seems to allow them to feel entitled to cross boundaries that should not be crossed. Common civility between two people is a good first step to learning to resolve conflict, to negotiate, and to find resolution.
Being in a relationship is always a choice. We need to work on making that relationship one that we freely choose, each day, whether we are legally married or not. If you are having problems in your primary relationship, please get help before so much damage has been done that you are completely closed off. If we hurt each other each time we try to deal with a difficult issue, it’s wise to stop trying, but also to get help, as issues still need to be resolved. If you are going to seek help, be prepared to make an investment in time and money. Check your insurance and get good coverage so that you can stay the course of treatment without breaking the bank. Give it a good try. The couples I work with are complex; the issues are complex and cannot be solved without adequate time.
Dr. Susannah Smith is a licensed practicing clinical psychologist and organizational development consultant, with offices in Telluride and Ridgway. If you would like to contact her, she can be reached at www.creativeteamconsulting.com; shas14@gmail.com; or 970-728- 5234.