I wrote previously about the codependent and dependent personalities. We find that codependency is created by the family system. Codependency is a set of behaviors and attitudes that form a diagnosable complex: codependent people are overly responsible; they want and try to please everyone; they are extremely upset if anyone criticizes them; they usually feel a lot of guilt, and are easily manipulated by someone tapping into their guilt. They are exceptionally hard workers in general, and they often get taken advantage of because they work so hard and want to make sure they please everyone. They are often hooked up with dependent personality types. You can observe the codependent coming up with ideas, solutions, explanations, helpful suggestions, books, articles… always giving them to their dependent person/partner to help them “see the light.”. But in reality, the more they provide, the less the other partner or family member has to figure out or decide.. Also, it’s easy to let the codependent make all the decisions and then get angry when something doesn’t work.. Codependent people are much more concerned with whether or not they are liked and doing everything right, than they are with whether or not the other person is a good person and doing the right thing. They often fail to judge the integrity and motivation of others.
Codependency and dependency go hand in hand.. We were not born this way.. We develop the behaviors and attitudes due to the family system of origin. Also, we can develop these patterns as an adult, by joining up with a dependent/abusive person. When people are locked into these patterns, they create “systems” in the family.
I’m going to refer to this type of family system as the “alcoholic system” for brevity. But the same dynamics apply to the various types of dysfunctional family system. This family system is known to be a “closed” family system. What happens here stays here, and they do not air their family problems (“we don’t air our dirty laundry”) to the public. People in the family are not allowed to discuss concerns openly, and these families keep secrets, and rationalize behavior. Mom didn’t fall down the stairs because she was drunk, mom wasn’t feeling well. Dad isn’t passed out on the lawn because he’s impaired; he got sleepy and isn’t that funny. Everyone in the family is a part of keeping the family secrets. The family operates one way behind closed doors, and another way to the public. Children growing up in these systems learn to doubt their own perceptions about things, and carry this into adulthood.
Living within these families, one never knows what “mood” you are going to walk into with one or more family members. It can change drastically from one day to the next, or even from one hour to the next. As a result, people living with these unpredictable, often verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive and volatile people begin to change themselves. They in turn develop fairly predictable behaviors, which they carry into other relationships as adults and pass down to their children. Children growing up in these families carry these learned roles into adulthood and future relationships. They also develop anxiety, as adults are not in control, and often, children have to be the parents. When children are not protected appropriately by adults, they develop anxiety, which they carry into adulthood.
If you want to learn more about this, I would suggest reading several of the books I mentioned in my last article, for starters, to begin to get an idea of what these terms mean. They are easy reading. This reading will evoke memories of your own childhood, and create awareness of what you, your children or friends might be going through. Awareness, education, and working on how those issues affect you as an adult will help stop the cycles that get passed on from generation to generation. Look for books on Codependency, and ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics), or email me for a bibliography.
Dr. Susannah Smith is a licensed practicing clinical psychologist and organizational development consultant, with offices in Telluride and Ridgway. She is licensed in Colorado, California, Mississippi, and Texas. If you would like to contact her, she can be reached at www.creativeteamconsulting.com; shas14@gmail.com; or 970-728-5234.