The terms “codependent” and “dependent” have relatively new meanings in the vocabulary of personality and mental health issues. While the “dependent personality disorder” is an actual diagnosis for mental illness from the diagnostic and statistical manuals we use today, in the jargon of dependency and codependency, you have to go to the internet and self-help books, which have proliferated since the 1980’s, to really get an idea of what these terms mean. Look for books on “ACOA” (Adult Children of Alcoholics) and on Codependency. I have a good bibliography if anyone is interested; just email me.
The term “codependency” originated from people working with people dependent on alcohol and/or drugs. We discovered that the people who were living with these dependent personality types developed specific types of behaviors and problems, and labeled them “codependent.” We also discovered through the years that families developed these predictable behaviors and roles within all different types of dysfunctional families. The system itself produces the roles. So, that includes children growing up with alcoholics, drug addicted people, people with serious control or anger issues, people with bipolar or other serious mental illness issues, and even people dealing with PTSD, chronic pain, or traumatic brain injury, people who are avoidant and addictive such as never being available due to constant exercise, golf, hunting, you name it. We can do our addictive behavior in a variety of ways, and our family can also be assaulted or overcome by other forces beyond our control. The key element is anything that requires so much family attention that it prevents regular and close parenting of the children, and also prevents normal adult relationships.
The children in these families experience neglect, in that they are left to handle many problems and situations by themselves, when adults/parents should be helping them. They usually experience emotional and often physical abuse, as alcoholic/dependent/addictive personalities tend to blame others for their problems. Moreover, children do not have the ability to discern that an adult may be at fault. For children, the adults, and particularly parents in their lives, are the ones who explain the truth and the world to them. In a child’s world, if there is a problem, it must be the child. Also, parents who have dependency problems often blame the child (or the spouse, employee, friend) for the problem. Children are not supposed to be in control or left to handle difficult problems alone, and these children usually grow up with highly sensitized and/or reactive nervous systems (easily alerted “fight/flight/freeze” responses), and carry this anxiety and reactivity into their adult lives.
Adults living with dependent personalities try to do whatever they can to make things better. While they are usually blamed for the problems, they diligently work on their issues to solve the problems. They also become hypervigilent, trying to predict what might set the other off. They often tell the children to be quiet, not to make mom or dad angry, to make sure everything in the house is okay or perfect. The dependent personality takes too little responsibility; the codependent takes too much and tries to make everything better.
I’m going to refer to this type of family system as the “alcoholic system” for brevity. But the same dynamics apply to the various types of dysfunctional family system. This family system is known to be a “closed” family system. What happens here stays here, and they do not air their family problems to the public. People in the family are not allowed to discuss concerns openly, and these families keep secrets, and rationalize behavior. Mom didn’t fall down the stairs because she was drunk, mom wasn’t feeling well. Dad isn’t passed out on the lawn because he’s impaired; he got sleepy and isn’t that funny. Everyone in the family is a part of keeping the family secrets. The family operates one way behind closed doors, and another way to the public. Children growing up in these systems learn to doubt their own perceptions about things, and carry this into adulthood.
Living within these families, one never knows what “mood” you are going to walk into with one or more family members. It can change drastically from one day to the next, or even from one hour to the next. As a result, people living with these unpredictable, often verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive and volatile people begin to change themselves. They in turn develop fairly predictable behaviors, which they carry into other relationships if adults and pass down to their children. Children growing up in these families carry these learned roles into adulthood and future relationships.
If you want to learn more about this, I would suggest reading several of the books I mentioned for starters, to begin to get an idea of what these terms mean. They are easy reading. This reading will evoke memories of your own childhood, and create awareness of what you, your children or friends might be going through. Awareness, education, and working on how those issues affect you as an adult will help stop the cycles that get passed on from generation to generation.
Dr. Susannah Smith is a licensed practicing clinical psychologist and organizational development consultant, with offices in Telluride and Ridgway. She is licensed in Colorado, California, Mississippi, and Texas. If you would like to contact her, she can be reached at www.creativeteamconsulting.com; shas14@gmail.com; or 970-728-5234.